I took the "handwriting personality" quiz on gURL.com
		my handwriting personality is... dreamy doodler A little rebellious and a lot quirky, routines bore you and you're happiest when things aren't operating on a set schedule (kind of makes school and work a drag, right?). Read more... What does your handwriting reveal about you?

I went to war.

To those of you whom I know personally and those who have been following my battle with cancer I have AMAZING news!!!

As of 9:40 AM today I have officially been declared in remission!!!!
Today may be the happiest day of my life.
I wanna tell the world.
I wanna hold my daughter and cry for hours.
I wanna go back to work and have a real life again.
I wanna do back flips.
I wanna have a huge party.

The survival rate for my specific type of cancer is less than half. I fought back hard and I beat the odds. 3 surgeries, 4 painful biopsies, hormone and radiation therapy, sadness, fear and depression and dammit I won! The world is a beautiful place today.

Gotta lotta walls

There is something to be said for those of us who live inside their own heads.

I guess when you break it down we as human beings are pretty simple. Things are a lot more black and white than people make them out to be. You encounter something, anything, and you make a decision that you either like it or don't. There are good people and bad people. The bad ones may try to blind you and convince you that they are good, but it's like a bandaid over a bullet hole... Eventually the true colors will bleed out and be seen. You can determine pretty quickly what you will and will not do, and what you are and are not willing to put up with from other people. The reaction to said situation is really the most thought you have to put into it. Feelings, thoughts, and emotions are all pretty primal/instinctive. I.E. Someone hits you: You will most likely instantly feel anger, pain, confusion etc... And depending upon who is hitting you, you may get your feelings hurt, your heart broken, etc... The point is, at that point you already know how you feel about it, you are now left with making the decision of how to react.
But I digress...

The point behind this post is that I have been told a lot recently that I don't let people in, I am withdrawn, and quiet.
Please don't mistake this...
I KNOW!!!! I DO IT ON PURPOSE!!!

I have lived a big chunk of my life breaking my back looking out for other people and trying to make someone else happy. Doing without so I could do for others. And in my years of experiance of living as the girl who is too kind hearted to say no even when I know that I am being taken advantage of, the girl who won't leave a terrible relationship because there is always some "hope" that love will conquer all and he will eventually act right, the girl who shrugs off being treated like shit every other day because "a good day is gonna come around eventually" I have learned that life is too damn short to live it for someone else. Especially someone who doesn't appreciate it for the amazing gift that it is. Someone who either has no idea or does not care what it's worth.

So in closing...
Yes I hate the world, No I won't let you in, You are only gonna hurt me or fuck me over in the end anyway so why waste both our time?
I don't need shit from anyone I am fine on my own. Matter of fact I am beginning to prefer it that way. I stay with a head full of shit that would make the most sane man go mad.

I have been thru more in my short life than most could live thru, and I've earned the right to be weary of people and defensive.

After all, my last name is Walls.

OK OK OK I'll update already

I went to Chicago for Thanksgiving, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I actually had a little fun. I wanted to go shopping for a Chicago Bears hoodie but never really made it that far. Got back last Monday, and had to catch up on all the house work and errands that being gone for 6 days left me with.

I had yet another biopsy on Tuesday and pretty much went off on my surgeon for making me play the waiting game for weeks with all these damn test results so she ordered this one STAT and rather than waiting 3 weeks I waited 3 hours. Turns out she found MORE cancer cells so I go back in this Thursday for........ More tests. (God save me) I'm pretty damn down about all this, because I was supposed to be declared in remission this month and able to go back to work. I am so fed up with being sick all the time and bouncing back and forth between all these doctors and the tests and surgeries and treatments........ It's really starting to break me. Everyone wants to support the fight against cancer, but no one supports the fighter. It's a pretty lonely place to be.

Thursday, I took Maddy to get her first filling at the dentist, and she was so brave. That little girl makes me so proud to be her momma. All the assistants were very impressed with how well she did.

And now...
I need to start my x-mas shopping...
I'm extra broke this year so I haven't even started yet. It's depressing. I miss having money and not having to struggle for everything so hard.
Somehow Santa will make it . It always works out somehow right?

Please don't let me be misunderstood...

This is the only human being who has ever truly understood me. This is the only person in the world who knows ALL of my secrets. This is the girl who has had my back for over a decade. This is my best friend...

This is my sister...

This is Lily.

yaay new hair cut

I got wisdom.

Or maybe I had my wisdom removed...
Either way I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out and I'm pretty damn miserable. My face is swolen and my jaw hurts and my tummy is messed up cause I've eaten nothing but pills for 2 days.

Someone cheer me up. :(

Thank you sweet merciful jesus

Obama wins!

I know I personally am relieved. I was truly afraid that the G.O.P. had bought themselves another term. This country is not comprised of old rich white men, it is full of people who are seriously struggling to get by. People are losing their homes, getting laid off and can't find work, having to make the decision to not eat today so the kids have food, are suffering from serious illness and can't afford to see a doctor, and if the car hasn't been re-po'd yet they can't afford to drive it anyway... The last thing we needed was to have a man who has so many houses he can't list them all off the top of his head and someone who sees fit to spend millions of dollars on fucking clothing making decisions for a country that is hanging on by a thread. And that's not to mention his shaaaaady ways. Now this is just my personal opinion but if the republican party had spent the amount of money just that they put toward Sarah Palin's wardrobe on giving to struggling communities in the public eye they could have had this hook, line, and sinker...

Sarah Palin.... good god....

For the first time in about 6 years I have hope. Everything might be ok after all. My man has a huge job ahead of him and is starting out swimming thru such a horrendous mess the likes of which most of us have never seen in our life time... But I have faith in him and truly believe if anyone can do it, it's him.

Now I know politics tend to bring out the worst in people, and I understand not everyone is in the same situation as me. So, my friends if you are reading this and disagree please feel free to comment and tell me why. But, I am looking at this thru the eyes of a 23 yr old single mother to a child in a shitty school system, I can't find work to save my soul. I can't afford child care. And as some of you know I am currently battling cancer, and can only afford bare minimum treatment because my health insurance doesn't cover cancer for fucks sake. I am living on my ex's couch so my daughter has a roof over her head. My prescriptions alone each month would cover most people's car payments, not to mention my co-pays for my 5 fucking doctors. So chew my ear off all you want, and I will listen with an open mind... But I did right by me and mine and got the outcome I was praying desperately for.

Happy Halloween!

Hope everyone has as much fun as I will be having!

Here you see my daughter Maddy in her awesome robot costume. She had a blast trick-or-treating and got a ton of candy.

Trick or treat!

Darling Jessee

This one goes out to my friend Jesse who recently posted about me here. http://theartofjesse.blogspot.com/ Go check him out, he's an amazing artist.




I wanna follow the footprints across my lover's stomach
I wanna call out her name before I plummet
I wish I had a map of the terrain so I could step around the landmines,
Avoid the beasts under the bed that bring they bad times
I wanna find this here so-called treasure:
The pleasure, the trinkets, the never-ending weekends
Acknowledging that I'm still just a piece of the sequence
But seeing this different footprints got me needin' to show my weakness
Timelines, the time zones
I cross them with my eyes closed
Memorize the landmarks and learn the cycles
The weather patterns how the seasons affect
The east and the west of each region learn the cycles
Forget about the fact that
Many trails have been tracked
Maybe it's a plus that there's a path
If this was some uncharted land I'd have to be a smarter man
Willing to travel the farthest to unravel the harvest
The natural resources are unlimited
Exploration only requires some desire and initiative
Take your time and find the right way to climb
It ain't safe to play games with natures mind
And

If I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
If I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave me!

I wanna ride a train up my lover's arm
Destination the brain to climb out and find out what's going on
Cut through trees and ride through rocks
And synchronize the universal sundial to my watch
I've seen a lot
But not quite as much as her
To top it off the memory and her imagination blur
I know she's been put through hell
I can feel it
And I know she's touched heaven as well
Trying to steal it
It came on and it taught her the song
Strung her along and it caught her when that guard was gone
Now to the break of dawn she wants to feel that fix
And all the family and friends is trying to seal them lips
I'm not dumb
I can hear that train come from miles away
I'm setting obstacles to stop the arrival
Gonna blow up the iron and wood road
From what I understood those be the orifice of her survival
My recital
Yet another tantrum
Because she's highly excitable
Swinging moods at random
No happy endings always off to a bad start
Addictive
Voyeurism to the trackmarks...

And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never, nah
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, yo, you would never leave it, never

playing dressup

"So far to go" -Common Ft. D'Angelo

[Intro - D'Angelo]
Ohhh, ohhhh...
I wanna get closerrrrrr to you, baby...
Ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh...
Ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh...

[Chorus - D'Angelo]
You have come so far
You've got so far to go (Yeah)
Say it again!
You have come so far
You've got so far to go (Yeah)
OHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Verse 1 - Common]
Ugh, ugh!
Sweetheart, you know that you most
Important, at least on the West Coast (Huh!)
I'm just trippin', it's somethin' about your throat
You think different and understand how I float
Got cribs on both Coasts
But, I'm a Chicago-getter
You (Get Down), but you ain't a (Golddigger)
You got the soul with the figure to match
Your girlfriend said, "Yo, that dude is a catch!"
Creative with the gifts, plus he hit it from the back! (Ugh!)
And places we ain't supposed to
We make the music - baby, you on the vocals
International lover, I never stay local
Go to places that you never been
Beautiful outside, even better when it's in
You have arrived, girl - you can come again!
C'mon!

[Chorus - D'Angelo]
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
Say it again!
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
OHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Verse 2 - Common]
You sexy, I know brothers try to spit to you
But, I'm the only one that can get to you
Lifting you, my drive is shifting you
I opened you free, it's like a gift to you
I truly am thickly and thankful
And as long I'm in your town, I'mma stay
(Faithful) (Heh!)
You know I can't escape you
No matter how far, you're still my star
You was there when the marks tried to steal my car
Snappin' with me, that's just how real you are
Sophisticated woman, you understand a man
You don't call all the time just to see where I am
Put a "G" in your hand, make sure you're livin' alright
Makin' love is me and I'mma give it all night
Turn over in the morning, make it warmer and better
Long as we can be, we can come together
C'mon!

[Chorus - D'Angelo]
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
I don't believe you heard me, baby!
You have come so far
You've got so far to go

[Bridge - D'Angelo]
Go on, go on then!
Go on - go on, girl!
Go on, go on - go on, baby!
Go on, baby!
Go on, girl!
Ahhhhhhhhhh!

[Chorus - D'Angelo]
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
You know what I mean, baby!
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
You have come so far
You've got so far to go
You have come so far
You've got so far to go



This song is my current addiction.

The misfits!!

I Saw the Misfits on Friday and it was an amazing show! Geoff and I drove all the way to Columbus to see them. The trip there was about as much fun as the show it's self. The whole night can be summed up as a reminder of why I don't drink PBR in a can. Lol. I got the best concert shirt ever too, I'll post a picture of it in a bit but until then I leave you with this.

lists

Things I need to do...

• Clean out the closets and put away summer clothes


• Clean carpets


• laundry


• Finish the sketches for Geoff's painting


• Go through Maddys toys and get rid of the baby stuff


• Call about getting my windshield fixed


• Finish my book so I can start my new one


• Put more music on my phone


• Get my dad a birthday present


• Go to the store


• Take apart laptop fan and clean it out

Things I need to buy soon...

• Day planner
• New Jeans
• Sweaters
• Canvas
• Cell phone case
• new glasses
• Atmosphere tickets?
• New I pod
• Boots/Coat/Gloves/Hat
• A vanity or desk
• a dresser or chest

http://seren-furniture.com/f4045.html is perfect!

changes

They say "blondes have more fun." I'm about to test the theory.

Broken thumb

I broke my thumb in 2 places by closing it in a door. Only I could pull off something that clumsy. On a brighter note I am now the proud owner of the "when life gives you lemons you paint that shit gold" album by Atmosphere and the "paper trail" album by T.I. Geoff took me to Nanking Inn for the best Chinese food ever to cheer me up.
He also got Maddy and I matching Bengals jerseys! Trust and believe we will be the cutest mom and daughter ever tomorrow as we cheer our team on.

Happy Birthday Maddy

My baby had her 5th birthday party on sunday. She had a blast. I got her a goldfish and a little tank for him to live in. She named him "Swimmy."

Update: AWWWW

Geoff brought me a care package.

Ewwww

I'm soooo sick.
I think I have Bronchitis.
I am in serious need of a cup of tea and a nap.
Too bad I have to do all my daughters birthday shopping today.
Anyone wanna trade lives just for one day?

Ouch!

My collarbone hurts. Anyone know how to get rid of an ugly bruise?

Mobile Blogging

I got the sweetest phone EVER!!!
Expect lots of random pics and videos in the near future.
I'm waaay excited.

Abusing of the rib

This song is like looking into a mirror...


I wanna follow the footprints across my lover's stomach
I wanna call out her name before I plummet
I wish I had a map of the terrain so I could step around the landmines,
Avoid the beasts under the bed that bring they bad times
I wanna find this here so-called treasure:
The pleasure, the trinkets, the never-ending weekends
Acknowledging that I'm still just a piece of the sequence
But seeing this different footprints got me needin' to show my weakness
Timelines, the time zones
I cross them with my eyes closed
Memorize the landmarks and learn the cycles
The weather patterns how the seasons affect
The east and the west of each region learn the cycles
Forget about the fact that
Many trails have been tracked
Maybe it's a plus that there's a path
If this was some uncharted land I'd have to be a smarter man
Willing to travel the farthest to unravel the harvest
The natural resources are unlimited
Exploration only requires some desire and initiative
Take your time and find the right way to climb
It ain't safe to play games with natures mind
And

If I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
If I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, you would never leave me!

I wanna ride a train up my lover's arm
Destination the brain to climb out and find out what's going on
Cut through trees and ride through rocks
And synchronize the universal sundial to my watch
I've seen a lot
But not quite as much as her
To top it off the memory and her imagination blur
I know she's been put through hell
I can feel it
And I know she's touched heaven as well
Trying to steal it
It came on and it taught her the song
Strung her along and it caught her when that guard was gone
Now to the break of dawn she wants to feel that fix
And all the family and friends is trying to seal them lips
I'm not dumb
I can hear that train come from miles away
I'm setting obstacles to stop the arrival
Gonna blow up the iron and wood road
From what I understood those be the orifice of her survival
My recital
Yet another tantrum
Because she's highly excitable
Swinging moods at random
No happy endings always off to a bad start
Addictive
Voyeurism to the trackmarks...

And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never, nah
And if I could show you, you would never leave it, never
And if I could show you, yo, you would never leave it, never

The only guarantee in life, is a life worth dieing for...

I get the distinct impression that I am out of sight out of mind.
I can't seem to make myself into anything that is enough for anyone.
I lack some essential quality to make any other person satisfied with me or happy.

It's so hard to convey who I truly am to anyone when who I truly am is locked so fucking deep in my head that I can barely communicate with myself.
I'm so stupid.
I never learn my lesson.
Time and time again I let someone in and make myself completely vulnerable to another person, dive head first and break my back doing everything I know to make them happy and be the best person I can all for the sake of someone else's happiness.
It always has the same ending.

Always.

Let there be light!

So....
Due to hurricane Ike hitting OHIO (yes I said hurricane and Ohio) We have been without power since early Sunday. It came back on about 20 min. ago. It's always fun to figure out that if the power goes out that means your apartment building has no water... Yesterday I had to drive nearly an hour to a gas station to buy food, medicine, and drinks. So now is the matter of throwing out all the food in my house that went bad, and trying to figure out how to afford more when my grocery budget has already been spent. I'm also gonna run by Geoff's in a bit to clean out his fridge so his place doesn't get all funky while he's out of town. I'm just sweet like that.

Maddy's school is canceled again today, she's bummed. And bored. Which means shes driving me up a wall.

Fun Fun

For fuck's sake....

This country has gone to hell.

Sarah Palin.... Really? Seriously?

I don't even know where to begin, but I can honestly say for the first time in my life I am scared of what is to become of us.

If McCain gets elected I'm movin to Ireland.

Today

Maddy went to the doc and had to get 4 booster shots. No fun. Momma got her some ice cream tho so it's all better now.

My little girl has grow so fast! She's going to be 5 this month. She's in kindergarten now! Makes me feel old. :(

I got some Vitamin Water "Rescue" today and I'm officially addicted! Seriously delicious stuff.

Speaking of addiction, I'm all over some Mario Party on my DS this week too.

And now I think I'ma light my Chocolate Cupcake candle and read my book.

I'll update more later.

xo